hey there flywheel...

Wake up, Ethel

figg — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:28:50 +0000

And then one day you turn 25. Nothing noticable happens in the seconds between twelve and twelve-oh-one. It’s just a new age bracket when you fill out forms, no longer “18-24″, it’s now “25-30″. And unlike 18 when lotto tickets and cigarettes became possible, or 21 which harkened the age of alcohol, with 25 you get the flaccid, if not dissapointing “lower insurance rates” (which everyone keeps referring to with great enthusiasm, like parents talking up a door prize to a heartbroken kid that played “no-blindfold-pin-the-tail” and missed the stupid donkey’s ass EVERY time…. Thanks for playing, have an eraser.) and the ever popular “ability to rent a car”.

I think to myself – good grief, ethel, if you’re this worked up over 25, what ever will you do with 30? And then, not content to obsess over non-existent wrinkles in my pool of self reflection, I simply dive right in to the good stuff, specifically the question

“why”

Why have you been up at night like a 53 year old man whose just bought a corvette and some Rogain because he’s SURE he’s caught wifey and garden boy exchanging meaningful silence everytime she hands the kid a check for mowing the front lawn. It’s rediculous, it really is.

Isn’t it? Maybe on some accounts it is, but in some respects, maybe it’s the pin in the ass, coutesy of time, the kid who never misses, blindfold on, one hand tied behind his back. Wake up, Ethel, wake up and move.

Bottom line, it’s like when I lost the weight. One day, lying in bed dreaming of a perfect life, I realized in those dreams, I wasn’t the invisible fat girl who was afraid to dance in pantyhose, lest the friction of her thighs ignite said hose. And that meant doing something to make life and dreams merge. Now its the same. A happy life doesn’t look like where I am. Yeah, I did pretty good for a while, and I let myself “surf” on my accumulated accomplishments. Yep. I surfed right up onto the beach and now I’m standing proudly on my surfboard, on the sand next to some guy in a banana hammock, wondering why he’s looking at me like I’M the rediculous one. Its because I am. I’m 25 years old, and when A confronts me with “Fig, what are you DOING with your life that matters to what your goals are” I hold up my hand, and with self-righteous indignance I proclaim “Hush, I’m dreaming. Besides, I’m just a kid, I’ve got a lot to learn before I’m ready to do anything great”

Okay honey now, please. Shut up. There’s kids officially a quarter of your age, maybe even…HALF…doing more than you are and you just KNOW how that eats your cake.

What do you want, Ethel? What does it look like when you close your eyes? Whats it going to take to get there? Quick now, answer quickly, because you’ve got to get out there.

Is it sad that I want the same things I’ve wanted for years and that now I’m discouraged about ever being a person who has them? Maybe, but as long as I still want them…

(Because I do know that I won’t be young forever and that if I don’t do something NOW to distinguish myself, to give myself the opportunity to CONTINUALLY change who I am, what I’m doing, how I feel, how I look, where I’m going, what I’m learning…if I don’t make a point of being great, with each year that passes I’m going to lose more respect, for myself, my abilities to do what I want, I’ll accrue more regrets and I can’t afford that. Not with just one life to live.)

I want to be completely fit. The last of the weight and totally toned. B-b-b-b-aaad to the bone hot, is really what it boils down to.

I want to learn a language.

I want my degree

I want to build homes, hope and awareness for the orphaned children around the world.

I want to be a great chef

I want to be well traveled

I want to adopt

I want to make other people’s dreams come true

I want to be on time and organized

I want to be well read

….I don’t think that’s too much to ask…

Going now, to be 25. Going to be great.

(Going to see the professor)

sweet refrain

figg — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:17:13 +0000

just signing in again three months later with nothing more to say than

i just can’t stay steady. i’m apologizing again for no new revelation, no brave new words, the wrong habit formed, (consistently inconsistent, and rinse and repeat, isn’t that just silly?)

i’m gonna be in the paper. finally something for my wall, my bare and empty wall.

i still don’t wear the good pants, not like i did that one day.

but i guess some things are turning and might be going my way.

and this is the way it is, some days we lay us down in the black mud of the riverbed this is also the way it is, somedays we stand us, firmly footed on the mountain top and all the days what lie in between are the scenery that makes the top so spectacular and the bottom worth climbing from.

when you get to a fork in the road, stop and have a snack

figg — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:24:41 +0000

the best way I know to sort out my mind and get to a true decision is to write.

i’m going to write this to you, a, because i know you need an answer. so let me first, briefly clarify…i need to make myself sort through my motivations for either decision so that i make the right one, because i do find myself making decisions sometimes out of an impulse thats based on a momentary concern, but when that momentary factor passes, i’m left feeling like i made the wrong decision. like when i changed schools, the 400 times, like when i took the job at bluegreen, like when i decided to quit at bluegreen (the first time, before i met you), and the list goes on.

i can’t do that here, because its not just my life that hinges on it….my committment one way or the other affects us both.

on the one hand, to feel i suddenly have the chance to go after “my” stuff…..is breathtaking. I do crave it. And the things youve said lately….they make sense to me….I feel I have to weigh that. And ultimately, I have to DO that. I do have to do my stuff, my malachi’s door, my writing, my music…I have to do it with all of me, because it is my gift. For so long, the thought of being able to give all of me to pursue my passion seemed impossible….I thought I would always be hinged to a job that I hated that kept me from WHOLEHEARTED pursuit. But now I know that day will come for me. (because of you, you taught me…gave me….that)

but I have to question the timing.

Because I’m COMMITTED to Adeptio, and to taking on and developing the buyers side program for the next 6 months to a year. I picked it, I started it, I helped build it, invested in it, believed in it….and even though it was “yours” before it was “mine”, having been exposed to it and dived into it, I’m now as passionate about it as I would be if it had been “mine” all along. Maybe in a different way, but just the same….I have a hard time imagining walking away from it at this point.

I guess if I could design my “perfect scenario” it would be that I go full strength into the buyers program for the next six months, with the proviso that if i get the opportunity to take 10 days in Romania or Guatemala (or wherever) within that time period, we pre-arrange keeping that opportunity available for me. I will during that time continue to work on my stuff on weekends or in spare time. After that, relative to the bigger “5-year” Adeptio picture…I will say this….if Chris goes for this plan…

I’m on board with getting it done. I want ….to be a part of it. If Chris doesn’t, I may re-look at the “timing” of things. But I don’t think now is the time for me to just step out.

I do believe a day will come when I’m more heavily involved with “my” stuff.

(and I ask myself ….”are you hiding behind adeptio because you’re afraid to try your own stuff?”….)

But I believe I have to learn to finish what I start. And I’m not afraid.

Do you have thoughts?

apoi atunci energie

figg — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 21:11:50 +0000

which means…

“…then go!”

it’s been almost a decade since i went to Romania last, and lately it seems like i’m being confronted with reminder after reminder of my mission – stumbling upon this web presentation where Mr. Carroll says “It was impossible to see the conditions these children were livingin and not do something about it” (how familiar does that sound? if you didn’t automatically think to yourself “she’s been saying that since 2000″, you either don’t know me or I’ve fooled myself, and have forgotten to let the inner monologue OUT on the important issues), finding a website through a myspace music program about “The Invisible Children” where they talk about turning apathy into activism. (“AGAIN!” my inner monologue shouts “THATS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING”….but not what I’ve been DOING, so it doesn’t really count…)

So I started putting together some preliminary ideas for how to get it going. Compiling everything I’ve written with a foreward about using the book as a fund raising vehicle for the children, self-publishing and selling….creating a Pecha Kucha (Pronounced “pechatchka”), singing the National Anthem to raise awareness (similar to Albert of the American Eagle Foundation) but every time I go to start in and tell the story I realize just how disconnected I really am – not only was my experience nearly a decade ago and therefore terribly outdaed in terms of current issues, but also – I was there with a team, as a 17 year old who didn’t experience or see anything outside of the team agenda. Not that that was bad, but its just not enough. And so I did some more thinking and whining, to Aaron about how the guys @ Invisible Children just picked up their cameras and went and GOT their story, first hand.

And Aaron looked at me. Dryly. and said…

”then go!”

(I found myself arguing with him….”Right, like you’d let me go alone. You wouldn’t even let me walk across the street from the office downtown to get a soda, by myself.” – To which he responded “Yeah, but walking across the street to get a soda isn’t your passion!”

alright then. I will. No more excuses. I e-mailed some people I know who live there, about accomodations, I’ve put the word out about a digital SLR (Not necessary, bu certainly beneficial, since my camera is pretty dis-abled compared to the scope of what I’d like to do) and I’ve researched plane fares. I think I can do it for 1,000 beans, and that would include airfare, food, and a gift for a host family. Maybe 1,200 is more realistic. We’ll see.

http://free.timeanddate.com/clock/ive2ur9/n49/fn3/fs19/fc900/tcf99/pd3” frameborder=”0″ width=”91″ height=”25″>

free rice

figg — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 17:56:44 +0000

please click this link and play free rice. it helps feed the hungry while building your vocabulary. also, good luck beating my level score, which is currently at 43 out of 50 – but I intend to make it all the way to the top.

hello, my name is fig and i have chronic writersbrain

figg — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 03:49:41 +0000

be quiet and just read, i tell myself.

yes, that’s great advice, and i’d really like to, but i’m afraid that’s not possible, i replied.
it needs to be possible, i retort, your know-it-all self isn’t going to get very far like this. (I deliver the blow) you’re just like your…

don’t say it, i plead in return

you need to hear it. you always just want to yap about anything that flies into your head and then you wonder why you’re not interesting or diverse. you’re narrow and stale. now read. – the commanding reply

but i….

nope. not listening. pick up the book

seriously, i had a thou….

doesn’t matter. you’ll have another. you swore to me you’d do this.

but i need…

you need to read. learn. become really hungry, insatiable in fact, unable to contain the interesting. now stop procrastinating. i won’t say it again.

fine.

(the writer always has the last word)

inchworm

figg — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 14:24:24 +0000

i’ve told myself for weeks now that i’ll get up early and write and then workout. now here i am at sixeighteen in the morning, no sunshine or birds to say “welcome to this new day” but rather the discouragement of yet-night and the thought that the sun isn’t even out of bed yet, so is there some insane reason why i’ve opened my own ojos . so i talk to myself, in keeping with my morning insanity “theme”
“self, don’t forget, you want to write. you want to be fit. you always say you need more hours in the day. you always complain that you’re not the writer you could be. self, don’t forget. let the sun sleep, while you grow into something great”
and then after having convinced myself to actually wake up and brave the cold house, i sat at my computer and thought (or didn’t think, my mind in the morning is like an analog tv with no cable or antenna….it’s really fuzzy and just doesn’t get any reception. i’m not a morning person) “i have no idea what to write that would be productive. not just a personal blog, but something to train my writing skills” – (obviously, i wasn’t able to come up with anything fast enough, blame it on a lousy internet connection….i didn’t mean that metaphorically, but if the shoe fits…) and now my “time” for writing is almost up and i’ve had several ideas for morning projects, but i have to work out now…..

(the other day i decided not to be a great writer, or a sub-par writer or an amateur writer. somehow those classifications, even the good ones, limit me. i just want to be a writer who is learning to write.

this was a result of an epiphany, which any woman knows doesn’t count unless it’s discussed with someone…

Me to Aaron:

(probably should’ve been obvious, but…..) ever since I was pretty young, my mom and various other people close to me have told me i’m a good writer. i’ve always gotten really good grades in anything writing in school, but i know (it’s not hard to see) that it’s been bs writing. I read a little bit of one of my old journals recently and it’s pretty plain that a lot of my writing is just like my dads….an “interesting string of words that don’t make sense or really say anything, or convey the “message”but because I’ve always felt I was a better than average writer two things have happened….one, i’ve not been teachable. you and kyle were the only ones to ever really teach me anything about writing, or about developing my style becuase mom never argued with it and i arrogantly considered myself better than everyone else (who wasn’t a professional writer)

and two i would become discouraged when i read professional writers because despite my being so much “better” than everyone, i could still see that my writing doesn’t come CLOSE to being great.

and the perfectionist in me shuts me down. even reading great writing to learn would frustrate me becuase I feel like I’m a good writer, so then why can’t I write like that …and no longer consider myself a “good” or “talented” writer.from now on, I’m just a writer.

Aaron to Me: wow..smooch this is really great

(he’s very concise. not so much me. enter honing of skills…)

so the good news is, i’m inching along. i got up. i wrote. i stuck to my timeline. so self, stop kicking yourself for not roughing out the first draft of the great american novel this morning. don’t be so unreasonable in your perfectionism. maybe you can do that tomorrow morning or the next, when you’re more used to getting up at this hour.

come 46 degrees, we’ll all digress

figg — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:29:18 +0000

i hear children on the playground. it’s january, but to them 47 degrees is a signed pardon. id like to take my camera one block over and take pictures, but i’m working (and the area isn’t so good either, for me to walk on the free but dangerous side of the fence.) isn’t that just kind of how it is though. if you’re free, it’s riskier. most people play inside their safe fence, and follow their prescribed schedule, and succeed to a reasonable measure. but i digress, as usual. (can’t seem to keep myself from stating the obvious parallel. i did that today in my meeting….took it one analogy too far, and made the lady say affably but with a slightly defensive air ”you don’t have to explain it to me, i already know how it works”…and I thought “aaron is right, i explain past the point of necessity, because i get excited, and most honestly, excited with my own clever metaphor or way of explaining things and i just can’t make myself stop, even though really, i know…. and i loathe it when people talk just to hear themselves talk.)

since i’m discussing my own recessive behavior, here’s two more for the table.

one – i’m jealous of people whose regular everyday blog gets ranked highly and read by large crowds. so…i don’t know if it’s becuase all i ever write about is my progress and regression, because i, as previously mentioned, reiterate things past the point of tolerance, because i don’t advertise my blog, or maybe even because it’s just plain too wordy and not well writen. wish i had someone to ask that wasn’t so close to me, so i couldn’t get mad at them for being honest or chalk the oppinion up to a bias in one form or another. and i could go to a writers meetup group of one form or another, but that brings me to topic number two….

two – my unbudgeable lack of motivation. i’m finding it hard to be motivated to work out, to go to writers groups, even to make dates to meet with friends. that’s not normal. lots of people work a full time job, go to the gym, take care of a couple of kids, sit in on committees or book clubs, entertain and still find time for regular chores/grooming/personal activities. i’m awfully segmented. i want monday to be my personal day, so i can clean, do my ritual eyebrow plucking, grocery shop, write a chaper in my book, volunteer and have lunch with a friend. the rest of my weekdays i will freely give to our small business, which i am on board with and want to be a part of. that’s what i always say. if i tell the truth, sometimes i question my real motivation for insisting that i participate in it…..

is it because i want to be viewed as a competent professional by a (i know that gets him, you know? i know he respects and is impressed by and attracted to that) ? is it because, since we started out in business together, i’m afraid that if we’re not in business it will change our closeness? is it because i’m afraid that if i’m not his business partner he’ll find someone else who is and since that’s his biggest passion and what he enjoys the most i won’t get to be a part of the biggest part of his life, someone else will be the beneficiary of his sudden excited brinstorms, his thoughts in the middle of the day, his questions in need of discussion….? i think i’m not willing to give those things up. and, granted…maybe i shouldn’t care so much, maybe i should just live for my own stuff. but doesn’t every girl, at least early on, want to be “this”? and would she really have done it differently if it meant giving up this unique role of primary? or in the case of my “concern” regarding the necessity of maintaining our ‘original foundation” in order to continue the relationship, which i don’t think is really reasonable, i’m still not willing to risk it. (and therefore, i guess by my own “spot on” analogy i’m not really free am i?)

i really think having that one “day” would help. one day that’s just mine and then i could have it all. i’ve mentioned it before and he doesn’t seem too keen. all or nothing maybe. because he’s offered to let me just do my own thing and just step completely out of my role in adeptio.

i really just want the one day. not a weekend day. a weekday that’s mine to build my stuff. the rest i would be happy to devote to “our” stuff. which is “his” stuff.

no wonder no one reads my blog. even i can’t make sense of it. well, what can you do.

divinia and collette

figg — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:23:30 +0000

they are the twins, little old southern bells, sitting shoulder to shoulder, almost alike but each a standalone. divinia is more practical, earth tones, plain, modern, uniform and sterner somehow. collette is pastel, and secrets, uneven and messy, history and lost in memory, the smiler to her sisters stoicism. they compliment each other.

i will post pictures of them.

she is divinia. she’s actually a little bit lacier, really, but her colors are more practical. her insides are more practical too. she’s just stoic-er. you can’t tell so well in these photos. the day was grey. look haunted here.

here is collette. she’s more cheerful and whimsical. greens and blushes and yellows on white. they just both look cranky here.

he started it

figg — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:53:50 +0000

Free – donating my time for the holidays…

Reply to: sale-511588432@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-16, 11:08PM ESTYoung entrepreneurial couple looking to “pay it forward” by donating a few hours to help someone in need this holiday season…Please email us with any ideas of how we could help you, your family, or a loved one.Have a very Merry Christmas!

Free – Pay It Forward – How M ay I Help You or Yours?

Reply to: sale-512728168@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-17, 11:45PM ESTI was so inspired by the couples posting that I decided I would like to do this also…….

I would like to donate a few hours to help someone in need this holiday season…Please email me with any ideas of how I could help you, your family, or a loved one.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Brian

FREE – Pay It Forward – How can I help you or your loved one?

Reply to: sale-512984562@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-18, 9:51AM ESTThe young couple who posted this to start with has offered to help a family member of mine and so I would like to pay it forward also. I live in the Frankfort area so if there is something I can do for you or your loved one who lives in this area please email me and let me know what it is. Some suggestions would be sit with an elderly family member so you can take a few hours for yourself, take someone to the store, doctor, etc… whatever, just let me know what it is and I will see what I can do for you.

Pay It Forward – Got The Bug

Reply to: sale-513214672@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-18, 1:28PM ESTOk, I have been bitten. I too would like to offer 2 things. First, I too would like to do something kind to help a family. I live on the east side of Indy. My kids are grown so I have lots of time to give to a family that is truely in need. Secondly, I personally would like to chronicle this Criagslist miracle. Identities will be protected, but if you are giving or receiving one of these Christmas “gifts” please e-mail me, or if you are just interested in the end result. I will write it all down in time for a good New Years read. Merry Christmas everyone.
.ExternalClass DIV {;}

Hello,

I am fascinated with what you have started on Craigslist. You definitely have an entrepreneurial spirit.

My family has just moved to a new house, life is crazy for us right now. We have four kids, and we don’t even have a Christmas tree for the new house.I was trying to think of ways that people who are “paying it forward” could help us out. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! HOW SELFISH OF ME!

I have a beautiful wife, wonderful children, and (not to get to spiritual) we have the Lord in our lives. I need to be saying, How can I help others out this holiday season? Not, what can people do for me? The chain reaction that is happening with this is awesome! Thank you for inspiring me and my family.

God bless you, and Merry Christmas

WE TALKED ABOUT JOSEPH ADDAI THE OTHER DAY, HOW HE PATIENTLY WAITED, BEHIND THE SCENES. ALL THAT TIME, NO ONE KNEW HIS NAME, BUT HE GOT READY AND THEN HIS DAY CAME AND HE STEPPED UP. AND WE SAID WE WONDERED, DID HE KNOW THAT FIRST DAY HE STEPPED ONTO THE FIELD THAT THAT WAS HIS MOMENT AND THE START OF THE LAUNCH SEQUENCE FOR HIM, DID HE KNOW HE COULD RUN THAT FAR, DID HE KNOW IT WOULD GET THIS BIG? I GUESS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR MOMENT IS, YOU CAN JUST BE READY EVERY MOMENT, JUST KEEP SOWING, JUST KEEP TRYING, BECAUSE THERE COMES A MOMENT WHEN IT GOES…

I’LL UPDATE MORE LATER WITH WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT.>

Reply to: sale-513723527@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-18, 10:22PM EST

I am a 20 year old young women who would also like to Pay it forward. Anyone in the Tipton area who is in need this holiday season let me know what I could do to help and I would be more than happy!

Pay it Forward Chain

Reply to: sale-513732782@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-18, 10:26PM EST

I also have caught the PAY IT FORWARD bug, I would love to help someone out who might have an elderly parent that they care for. I lost my father a year ago and miss him terribly, however I know how restricted you can feel sometimes.
I would be willing to come & sit with someone for a few hours or help run some errands or whatever might need done.
I worked in the medical equipment field for several years and have knowledge of insurance claims and Medicare claims. So if you need some help there I might be of some assistance.

Happy Holidays to ALL……………..