We went to contract. Finally. After months and months of maybe, and over a year of “i don’t know how we ever will make it” — .stiffle, stiffle. — “We will make it. We will be fine”. We now have a mandatory exercise in early mornings, a ritual, A up at 6 and a half, rusty springs .thedoorhandle. and me, sleeping for 15 until A will bribe me awake with coffee (I get the water and the scoops ready the night before. the scoops are beyond him, he tells me. he turns on and pours, and brings to mrs messy, how’d you find me in here anyway, hiding under warm blankets of dreams which harbor me, the refugee, can i have another 5? no. okay, well lemme have my coffee)
<all that time, all those books “the secret is don’t give up, give more, give harder, give great”, all the while me convincing, convincing, convincing that we would and we will and we have and we can. convincing me, so I can tell him, so he can convince me. Oh if only we can just keep on, don’t take that stupid road block so very personally, too much time spent in resentful, indignant contemplation over why the road block had to slow us down. and there’s no motion in contemplation. just…get over it, go around. thing is, i just know, i just know, i simply know…if we perservere we’ll learn the habits the deciplines the lessons of greatness achieved.>
and now we sit here, and i’ve really gotten a good bit done in the last two days. i’m proud of it, i’d gotten afraid that i couldn’t innovate, but the systems are fitting together and i even made a flow diagram (a, what have you done to me, miracles lie in numbers and patterns, oh and also in your eyes) all that aside, i decided to be this way….businessy and visionary, last monday i think it was, and so now i am. i think it should be that simple. Maybe not in practice, considering lately i see how the brain is like a muscle, if you don’t work it out, it wearies easily. so it did yesterday. Likely tomorrow as well. but it’s conceptually sound, deciding and then being, and despite the interim metemorphsis, that’s really the bottom line of it all. it’s not enough to decide, you must be, before you are.