hey there flywheel…

We bend to find possibility amid madness and opportunity among madmen. Anything but the Normals.

apoi atunci energie January 31, 2008

Filed under: Webpage Content — figg @ 2:11 am

which means…

“…then go!”

 it’s been almost a decade since i went to Romania last, and lately it seems like i’m being confronted with reminder after reminder of my mission – stumbling upon this web presentation where Mr. Carroll says “It was impossible to see the conditions these children were livingin and not do something about it” (how familiar does that sound? if you didn’t automatically think to yourself “she’s been saying that since 2000”, you either don’t know me or I’ve fooled myself, and have forgotten to let the inner monologue OUT on the important issues), finding a website through a myspace music program about “The Invisible Children” where they talk about turning apathy into activism. (“AGAIN!” my inner monologue shouts “THATS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING”….but not what I’ve been DOING, so it doesn’t really count…)

So I started putting together some preliminary ideas for how to get it going. Compiling everything I’ve written with a foreward about using the book as a fund raising vehicle for the children, self-publishing and selling….creating a Pecha Kucha (Pronounced “pechatchka”), singing the National Anthem to raise awareness (similar to Albert of the American Eagle Foundation) but every time I go to start in and tell the story I realize just how disconnected I really am – not only was my experience nearly a decade ago and therefore terribly outdaed in terms of current issues, but also – I was there with a team, as a 17 year old who didn’t experience or see anything outside of the team agenda. Not that that was bad, but its just not enough. And so I did some more thinking and whining, to Aaron about how the guys @ Invisible Children just picked up their cameras and went and GOT their story, first hand.

And Aaron looked at me. Dryly. and said…

 “then go!”

 (I found myself arguing with him….”Right, like you’d let me go alone. You wouldn’t even let me walk across the street from the office downtown to get a soda, by myself.” – To which he responded “Yeah, but walking across the street to get a soda isn’t your passion!”

alright then. I will.  No more excuses. I e-mailed some people I know who live there, about accomodations, I’ve put the word out about a digital SLR (Not necessary, bu certainly beneficial, since my camera is pretty dis-abled compared to the scope of what I’d like to do) and I’ve researched plane fares. I think I can do it for 1,000 beans, and that would include airfare, food, and a gift for a host family.  Maybe 1,200 is more realistic.  We’ll see.

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free rice January 18, 2008

Filed under: Webpage Content — figg @ 10:56 pm

125_125_banner_b.jpg   please click this link and play free rice. it helps feed the hungry while building your vocabulary. also, good luck beating my level score, which is currently at 43 out of 50 – but I intend to make it all the way to the top.

;l

 

hello, my name is fig and i have chronic writersbrain

Filed under: Webpage Content — figg @ 8:49 am

be quiet and just read, i tell myself.

yes, that’s great advice, and i’d really like to, but i’m afraid that’s not possible, i replied.
it needs to be possible, i retort, your know-it-all self isn’t going to get very far like this. (I deliver the blow) you’re just like your…

don’t say it, i plead in return

you need to hear it. you always just want to yap about anything that flies into your head and then you wonder why you’re not interesting or diverse. you’re narrow and stale. now read. – the commanding reply

but i….

 nope. not listening. pick up the book

seriously, i had a thou….

doesn’t matter. you’ll have another. you swore to me you’d do this.

but i need…

you need to read. learn. become really hungry, insatiable in fact, unable to contain the interesting. now stop procrastinating. i won’t say it again.

 <conflicted, stubborn face>

fine.

(the writer always has the last word)

 

inchworm January 14, 2008

Filed under: Webpage Content — figg @ 7:24 pm

i’ve told myself for weeks now that i’ll get up early and write and then workout. now here i am at sixeighteen in the morning, no sunshine or birds to say “welcome to this new day” but rather the discouragement of yet-night and the thought that the sun isn’t even out of bed yet, so is there some insane reason why i’ve opened my own ojos . so i talk to myself, in keeping with my morning insanity “theme”
“self, don’t forget, you want to write. you want to be fit. you always say you need more hours in the day. you always complain that you’re not the writer you could be. self, don’t forget. let the sun sleep, while you grow into something great”
and then after having convinced myself to actually wake up and brave the cold house, i sat at my computer and thought (or didn’t think, my mind in the morning is like an analog tv with no cable or antenna….it’s really fuzzy and just doesn’t get any reception. i’m not a morning person) “i have no idea what to write that would be productive. not just a personal blog, but something to train my writing skills” – (obviously, i wasn’t able to come up with anything fast enough, blame it on a lousy internet connection….i didn’t mean that metaphorically, but if the shoe fits…) and now my “time” for writing is almost up and i’ve had several ideas for morning projects, but i have to work out now…..

 (the other day i decided not to be a great writer, or a sub-par writer or an amateur writer. somehow those classifications, even the good ones, limit me. i just want to be a writer who is learning to write.

this was a  result of an epiphany, which any woman knows doesn’t count unless it’s discussed with someone…

Me to Aaron: (probably should’ve been obvious, but…..) ever since I was pretty young, my mom and various other people close to me have told me i’m a good writer. i’ve always gotten really good grades in anything writing in school, but i know (it’s not hard to see) that it’s been bs writing. I read a little bit of one of my old journals recently and it’s pretty plain that a lot of my writing is just like my dads….an “interesting string of words that don’t make sense or really say anything, or convey the “message”but because I’ve always felt I was a better than average writer two things have happened….one, i’ve not been teachable. you and kyle were the only ones to ever really teach me anything about writing, or about developing my style becuase mom never argued with it and i arrogantly considered myself better than everyone else (who wasn’t a professional writer)

and two i would become discouraged when i read professional writers because despite my being so much “better” than everyone, i could still see that my writing doesn’t come CLOSE to being great.

and the perfectionist in me shuts me down. even reading great writing to learn would frustrate me becuase I feel like I’m a good writer, so then why can’t I write like that …and no longer consider myself a “good” or “talented” writer.from now on, I’m just a writer.

Aaron to Me: wow..smooch this is really great

(he’s very concise. not so much me. enter honing of skills…)

so the good news is, i’m inching along. i got up. i wrote. i stuck to my timeline. so self, stop kicking yourself for not roughing out the first draft of the great american novel this morning. don’t be so unreasonable in your perfectionism. maybe you can do that tomorrow morning or the next, when you’re more used to getting up at this hour.

 

come 46 degrees, we’ll all digress January 9, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — figg @ 10:29 pm

i hear children on the playground. it’s january, but to them 47 degrees is a signed pardon. id like to take my camera one block over and take pictures, but i’m working (and the area isn’t so good either, for me to walk on the free but dangerous side of the fence.) isn’t that just kind of how it is though. if you’re free, it’s riskier. most people play inside their safe fence, and follow their prescribed schedule, and succeed to a reasonable measure. but i digress, as usual. (can’t seem to keep myself from stating the obvious parallel. i did that today in my meeting….took it one analogy too far, and made the lady say affably but with a slightly defensive air “you don’t have to explain it to me, i already know how it works”…and I thought “aaron is right, i explain past the point of necessity, because i get excited, and most honestly, excited with my own clever metaphor or way of explaining things and i just can’t make myself stop, even though really, i know…. and i loathe it when people talk just to hear themselves talk.)

since i’m discussing my own recessive behavior, here’s two more for the table.

one – i’m jealous of people whose regular everyday blog gets ranked highly and read by large crowds. so…i don’t know if it’s becuase all i ever write about is my progress and regression, because i, as previously mentioned, reiterate things past the point of tolerance, because i don’t advertise my blog, or maybe even because it’s just plain too wordy and not well writen. wish i had someone to ask that wasn’t so close to me, so i couldn’t get mad at them for being honest or chalk the oppinion up to a bias in one form or another. and i could go to a writers meetup group of one form or another, but that brings me to topic number two….

 two – my unbudgeable lack of motivation. i’m finding it hard to be motivated to work out, to go to writers groups, even to make dates to meet with friends. that’s not normal. lots of people work a full time job, go to the gym, take care of a couple of kids, sit in on committees or book clubs, entertain and still find time for regular chores/grooming/personal activities. i’m awfully segmented. i want monday to be my personal day, so i can clean, do my ritual eyebrow plucking,  grocery shop, write a chaper in my book, volunteer and have lunch with a friend. the rest of my weekdays i will freely give to our small business, which i am on board with and want to be a part of. that’s what i always say. if i tell the truth, sometimes i question my real motivation for insisting that i participate in it…..

is it because i want to be viewed as a competent professional by a (i know that gets him, you know? i know he respects and is impressed by and attracted to that) ? is it because, since we started out in business together, i’m afraid that if we’re not in business it will change our closeness? is it because i’m afraid that if i’m not his business partner he’ll find someone else who is and since that’s his biggest passion and what he enjoys the most i won’t get to be a part of the biggest part of his life, someone else will be the beneficiary of his sudden excited brinstorms, his thoughts in the middle of the day, his questions in need of discussion….? i think i’m not willing to give those things up. and, granted…maybe i shouldn’t care so much, maybe i should just live for my own stuff. but doesn’t every girl, at least early on, want to be “this”? and would she really have done it differently if it meant giving up this unique role of primary? or in the case of my “concern” regarding the necessity of maintaining our ‘original foundation” in order to continue the relationship, which i don’t think is really reasonable, i’m still not willing to risk it. (and therefore, i guess by my own “spot on” analogy i’m not really free am i?)

 i really think having that one “day” would help. one day that’s just mine and then i could have it all. i’ve mentioned it before and he doesn’t seem too keen. all or nothing maybe. because he’s offered to let me just do my own thing and just step completely out of my role in adeptio.

i really just want the one day. not a weekend day. a weekday that’s mine to build my stuff. the rest i would be happy to devote to “our” stuff. which is “his” stuff.

 no wonder no one reads my blog. even i can’t make sense of it. well, what can you do.

 

divinia and collette January 7, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — figg @ 9:23 pm

the twins

they are the twins, little old southern bells, sitting shoulder to shoulder, almost alike but each a standalone. divinia is more practical, earth tones, plain, modern, uniform and sterner somehow. collette is pastel, and secrets, uneven and messy, history and lost in memory, the smiler to her sisters stoicism. they compliment each other.

i will post pictures of them.

divinia.jpg she is divinia. she’s actually a little bit lacier, really, but her colors are more practical. her insides are more practical too. she’s just stoic-er. you can’t tell so well in these photos. the day was grey. look haunted here.

Collette   here is collette. she’s more cheerful and whimsical. greens and blushes and yellows on white. they just both look cranky here.