i hear children on the playground. it’s january, but to them 47 degrees is a signed pardon. id like to take my camera one block over and take pictures, but i’m working (and the area isn’t so good either, for me to walk on the free but dangerous side of the fence.) isn’t that just kind of how it is though. if you’re free, it’s riskier. most people play inside their safe fence, and follow their prescribed schedule, and succeed to a reasonable measure. but i digress, as usual. (can’t seem to keep myself from stating the obvious parallel. i did that today in my meeting….took it one analogy too far, and made the lady say affably but with a slightly defensive air “you don’t have to explain it to me, i already know how it works”…and I thought “aaron is right, i explain past the point of necessity, because i get excited, and most honestly, excited with my own clever metaphor or way of explaining things and i just can’t make myself stop, even though really, i know…. and i loathe it when people talk just to hear themselves talk.)
since i’m discussing my own recessive behavior, here’s two more for the table.
one – i’m jealous of people whose regular everyday blog gets ranked highly and read by large crowds. so…i don’t know if it’s becuase all i ever write about is my progress and regression, because i, as previously mentioned, reiterate things past the point of tolerance, because i don’t advertise my blog, or maybe even because it’s just plain too wordy and not well writen. wish i had someone to ask that wasn’t so close to me, so i couldn’t get mad at them for being honest or chalk the oppinion up to a bias in one form or another. and i could go to a writers meetup group of one form or another, but that brings me to topic number two….
two – my unbudgeable lack of motivation. i’m finding it hard to be motivated to work out, to go to writers groups, even to make dates to meet with friends. that’s not normal. lots of people work a full time job, go to the gym, take care of a couple of kids, sit in on committees or book clubs, entertain and still find time for regular chores/grooming/personal activities. i’m awfully segmented. i want monday to be my personal day, so i can clean, do my ritual eyebrow plucking, grocery shop, write a chaper in my book, volunteer and have lunch with a friend. the rest of my weekdays i will freely give to our small business, which i am on board with and want to be a part of. that’s what i always say. if i tell the truth, sometimes i question my real motivation for insisting that i participate in it…..
is it because i want to be viewed as a competent professional by a (i know that gets him, you know? i know he respects and is impressed by and attracted to that) ? is it because, since we started out in business together, i’m afraid that if we’re not in business it will change our closeness? is it because i’m afraid that if i’m not his business partner he’ll find someone else who is and since that’s his biggest passion and what he enjoys the most i won’t get to be a part of the biggest part of his life, someone else will be the beneficiary of his sudden excited brinstorms, his thoughts in the middle of the day, his questions in need of discussion….? i think i’m not willing to give those things up. and, granted…maybe i shouldn’t care so much, maybe i should just live for my own stuff. but doesn’t every girl, at least early on, want to be “this”? and would she really have done it differently if it meant giving up this unique role of primary? or in the case of my “concern” regarding the necessity of maintaining our ‘original foundation” in order to continue the relationship, which i don’t think is really reasonable, i’m still not willing to risk it. (and therefore, i guess by my own “spot on” analogy i’m not really free am i?)
i really think having that one “day” would help. one day that’s just mine and then i could have it all. i’ve mentioned it before and he doesn’t seem too keen. all or nothing maybe. because he’s offered to let me just do my own thing and just step completely out of my role in adeptio.
i really just want the one day. not a weekend day. a weekday that’s mine to build my stuff. the rest i would be happy to devote to “our” stuff. which is “his” stuff.
no wonder no one reads my blog. even i can’t make sense of it. well, what can you do.