when you get to a fork in the road, stop and have a snack February 5, 2008
the best way I know to sort out my mind and get to a true decision is to write.
i’m going to write this to you, a, because i know you need an answer. so let me first, briefly clarify…i need to make myself sort through my motivations for either decision so that i make the right one, because i do find myself making decisions sometimes out of an impulse thats based on a momentary concern, but when that momentary factor passes, i’m left feeling like i made the wrong decision. like when i changed schools, the 400 times, like when i took the job at bluegreen, like when i decided to quit at bluegreen (the first time, before i met you), and the list goes on.
i can’t do that here, because its not just my life that hinges on it….my committment one way or the other affects us both.
on the one hand, to feel i suddenly have the chance to go after “my” stuff…..is breathtaking. I do crave it. And the things youve said lately….they make sense to me….I feel I have to weigh that. And ultimately, I have to DO that. I do have to do my stuff, my malachi’s door, my writing, my music…I have to do it with all of me, because it is my gift. For so long, the thought of being able to give all of me to pursue my passion seemed impossible….I thought I would always be hinged to a job that I hated that kept me from WHOLEHEARTED pursuit. But now I know that day will come for me. (because of you, you taught me…gave me….that)
but I have to question the timing.
Because I’m COMMITTED to Adeptio, and to taking on and developing the buyers side program for the next 6 months to a year. I picked it, I started it, I helped build it, invested in it, believed in it….and even though it was “yours” before it was “mine”, having been exposed to it and dived into it, I’m now as passionate about it as I would be if it had been “mine” all along. Maybe in a different way, but just the same….I have a hard time imagining walking away from it at this point.
I guess if I could design my “perfect scenario” it would be that I go full strength into the buyers program for the next six months, with the proviso that if i get the opportunity to take 10 days in Romania or Guatemala (or wherever) within that time period, we pre-arrange keeping that opportunity available for me. I will during that time continue to work on my stuff on weekends or in spare time. After that, relative to the bigger “5-year” Adeptio picture…I will say this….if Chris goes for this plan…
I’m on board with getting it done. I want ….to be a part of it. If Chris doesn’t, I may re-look at the “timing” of things. But I don’t think now is the time for me to just step out.
I do believe a day will come when I’m more heavily involved with “my” stuff.
(and I ask myself ….”are you hiding behind adeptio because you’re afraid to try your own stuff?”….)
But I believe I have to learn to finish what I start. And I’m not afraid.
Do you have thoughts?